We're pleased to introduce to you Mrs. Gammy Perjure. As your servant webmaster, I once again sought out one of our broody, organized, orderly, brilliant staff members to share with you, our obedient parishioners, a little piece of themselves. And who wouldn't want to know more about these b.o.o.b's who serve you so well?
After I signed a release form and provided a complete set of fingerprints to Gammy, "just in case you, you know" Gammy agreed to sit with me and chat. What a wonderful gift we have in Gammy, who keeps detailed notes about meetings and conversations. When I asked Gammy about her proclivity for note taking, she said, "Well, you never know when someone is going to do something bad, I mean, it's okay to protect yourself, right? You never know when someone evil might be following you around all the time or be out to hurt you or to put you in harm's way or be trying to secretly get you in trouble or I might see someone somewhere and then have to go report them because I am afraid of them and if I am afraid, then of course, there must be something wrong. I am not paranoid or anything, I just want to be prepared because there are a lot of men out there who could harm me, or at least it feels like that, so I keep my notes really carefully so that I can protect the young people or me or whoever I think needs protecting. I mean, look at my first husband. Should I be mad that he is doing well without me? Anyway, I have to keep notes about him in case I see him at a Circle K or wherever and maybe he might be doing something wrong. Why are you looking at me like that?"
Asked about her hobbies outside of her service to Holy Mother Church, Gammy says, "Well, of course, my sons are the most important thing in my life, right after the leadership of Tara, our pastoral associate. My sons have been a great blessing-even if they will grow up acting like men, but I try my best to help them see the dangers in that. I try to pass on to them my healthy awareness of how evil some men can be so that they won't make the mistakes my first husband made with me. Of course, Father Ty has been a 'great' example of manhood for my boys to learn from, too. And I have been taking them to the doctor lately and one of them had a cold. I felt so guilty about that. Maybe I am a bad mother. Do you think I am a bad mother? I worry that someone might think I am a bad mother."
Asked about her relationship with her current husband, Gammy replies, "Yeah, I'm married."
I asked Gammy what it was like to work as a youth ministry assistant. Leaning forward, in a almost confessional manner, she replied, "I was really surprised how much work there is in youth ministry. I have this job description, and Fret actually expects me to do what I was hired to do! I mean, I have been doing everything on my job description for the last year. I really think Fret needs to look at that. He expects me actually work independently, too. I keep running out of note paper trying to keep up with my reports about him. It's very difficult sometimes to do the work of the Church, especially when I am held accountable to do my job by a man. But, I keep good notes and I am sure that I can find a chance in the future to put them to good use- I mean, don't you think I should make more money if I have to do everything I agreed to?"
We in our Sacred Parish of St. Palter are blessed by Mrs. Perjure’s ministry. Please stop by and thank her for her dedicated service. Although if you do speak to her, Gammy requests that it be at least a 30 minute notice so that she can get witnesses to your conversation.
Gammy also advises that only “side hugs” are appropriate with her. “I’ve taught pre-school. I know danger lurks in every contact with people.” she adds.
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