Follow Us At Twitter
Saturday, October 11, 2008
My Dear Little Sheeps: Square Catholics in Public
My Dear Little Sheeps,
As you are aware, Bishop Foisted has released His latest pastoral letter in book form. In the book, He is not telling you not how to vote this election day. In His book, “Square Catholics in The Public,” He outlines how you should vote as a Catholic if He could make you vote a specific way, which of course He cannot do and still keep away millions of dollars in tax payments. So, as I know you want to know how to be guided when we are not telling you how to be guided by the Bishop you must obey, I have included a listing of the table of contents of the new book:
1. “Why We Can’t Tell You What We’re Not Telling You.”
2. “Since You’re Not Ordained, You Can’t Interpret”
3. “Holy Smokes: Screens”
4. “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do (in the voting booth) and Since the Bishop is the Representative of Jesus Here in our Diocese, Then, You’ll Need to Do the Same Since Jesus Does Not Have a 501(c)3 To Worry About.”
5. Which Of Our Videos You Should Obey If the IRS Would Let Us Tell You.
6. Factsheet 2006-17: A Matter of Conscience (No, Really This One Is)
7. “Love the Sinner, Hate The Sin” Or At Least, You Know, *That* Sin.
8. Posting to YouTube
9. Since Only Kids Go to YouTube, No One Will See What We’re Not Doing When We Do It There.
10. Tithe 10%. Now.
11. "Separation of Church and State" Is Only for Subpoenas of Employee Documents (Even if the Employee is Asking.)
You will find copies of the book “Square Catholics in The Public” being sold by Fret and the youth group after all the Masses. They have set up a booth on the public sidewalk outside the parking lot. We ask that you not have more than five parishioners around the table at any one time.
I am looking forward to hearing how you have not read the things we cannot tell you to do. Please let me know if you do not have any questions I cannot answer for you when I do not see you next.
Leading You Onward,
Fr. Ty Rolean
Pastor
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Meet the Diocesan Staff: Youth Ministry
My friends, I, your unworthy webmaster, have been allowed and even privileged to enter into the Holy of Holies on Monroe and interview many members of the Diocesan staff. Usually only priests, nuns who would complain and lay people who have been trained for three years are allowed to go anywhere near the sanctuary that is the Diocesan Pastoral Matrix (DPM).
My first interview was with Shill Fingercot, the director of the youth ministry office for the Diocese. As Fr. Ty likes to remind me, no lay person can really direct anything but in some cases, certain obedient lay persons are allowed to have an office downtown and get to have an important title as Bishop Foisted grants. Shill fits this description to a “t,” always ready to obey regardless of what needs to be done.
“Praise Jesus!” Shill called out as he met me in the decontamination room that serves as the foyer for the DPM. “I hope you don’t mind the detailed questionnaire you filled out, we have to be sure that you haven’t brought in any Protestants with you. It’s all security, as you know.”
I asked Shill if I had to do this each time I visited the DPM. “Yes,” Shill replied, “at least until you are ordained or you choose to donate a kidney or a jet to the Bishop.”
As we walked to his office, pausing to let the guard dogs sniff our pants, I noticed what appeared to be a small shrine oddly placed in the middle of the hallway. It had two indentations in the concrete and the small banner above the shrine read, “Our Mother Gives Us A Child.”
“Oh, what a wonderful devotion to Mary.” I said to Shill.
“Praise Jesus! No, it’s not for that. Those are the actual knee prints where, 18 years ago, Michelle-Joan Oeste dropped really hard to her knees and begged Mother Theresa to ‘give her a child.’ It was such a spontaneous ejaculation of faith that Bishop Chacha O’Bile immediately proclaimed those caved in-knee prints to be a sacred relic of a woman knowing her place- on her knees begging to be filled with fresh new Catholics. So, here the shrine sits, in the hall. And every time Michelle-Joan is here, she has her children kneel in the prints praying to MT (that’s what FD (Father Duey) used to call Mother Theresa) for even more brothers and sisters. When that doesn’t work, she just feeds the kids Christo Crackers from Duey’s new Praise and Worship Center. Apparently she can’t take them down there any more to see FD. I don’t understand it all. Praise Jesus! And since MJ started working for the grocery store and gave up her Diocesan Media Speaker job, she can’t come down here like she used to. I guess we’re only allowed to quit if Sr. Joan Staphs can send out letters about us first. I get confused.”
As Shill took a breath, I noticed that one of the doors in the hallway was made of gold. I inquired if that was Bishop Foisted’s office. Shill advised me that it was the Bishops bathroom. “Sr. Staphs is the only other person allowed to use it. besides the Bishop, that is. Praise Jesus!”
As we settled into Shill’s office, we began to talk. I learned that Shill considers himself a “charismatic” Catholic and that he has 10 children “...all of whom are going to go to a Franciscan College, I hope. They don’t allow hugging there. Praise Jesus!”
I asked Shill about what a director of youth ministry does for a living. “Well, Praise Jesus, I think you mean to say ‘does for a ministry’ since that is what I do. Ministry, that is. Well, Praise Jesus, it’s harder to do youth ministry in this Diocese since Bishop Foisted eliminated Confirmation for teenagers. Before, youth ministers only needed to open the doors and the teens’ parents would shuffle them in."
He continued, "Now, Praise Jesus, I spend most of my time training adults in youth ministry so that when the day comes back that we can have a new sacrament for teens, then we’ll be ready for more exciting mandatory programs where kids will learn to love the Mother Church. When I am not training, I help a lot of youth ministers find new games or car wash locations for the five or six kids in each parish that come to youth ministry events. I also work very closely with the Catholic high schools to be sure the kids there are mandated to come to Diocesan events. Sure builds up the attendance. And when I am not doing those things, I pretty much just do what the “Live Teens!’ main office in Mesa wants me to do. Praise Jesus!”
I mentioned to Mr. Fingercot that many times young people will use their Myspace accounts to write loving reflections of Diocesan youth events that they have had to attend. They often use the apparent acronym of S.U.C.K.S to indicate their joy at attending Diocesan events. I figured out that it meant, “Surely Underage Catholics Kare (and) Share.” I asked him if he had ever read any of these youthful “reviews”
“What’s Myspace?” he asked.
Moving on, I asked Shill to tell me his greatest joy in serving Bishop Foisted in his role as “director” of youth ministry.
“Obeying. Yes, Praise Jesus, obeying the rules of the Diocese, err, Bishop Foisted. What a great man, He has been so directive, so hands on that all I have to do is look the other way and watch what he does to people. Such wisdom. Since many youth ministry coordinators are lay people, I’ve learned how easy it is to let them go and watch them move on. What Foisted wants, Foisted gets, Praise Jesus. It really makes my life easy to just do what they ask of me. Who can not enjoy obeying? I am getting shivers right now.”
I said to Shill just how much I envy him, having the chance to live the value of Justice every single day like that. “No, Praise Jesus, you are getting confused, Webmaster. Justice is serving food at the homeless shelter. Here, I just do what I am told. I am not concerned about justice or any of that. If Bishop Foisted, or Sr. Staphs (and before Marienne Vineyrs or Sr. Dolor de Cabesa de Jesus) tells me to go, I go. If they tell me to look, I look. If they tell me to ignore, I ignore. Really, we as lay people don’t have the training and Grace of Ordination to make any decisions. Obedience is so much more important than...than...umm...what was your word?”
“Justice,” I answered.
“Oh, yeah. Justice. I don’t need that. Youth ministry coordinators, past and present, need to know how much joy I have obeying. Praise Jesus! I hope I am helping pass that on when I interact with others.”
Shill told me that his greatest challenge in working for the Diocese was parents. He said it seems that parents just don’t make kids go to church as they used to. “Clearly, the threat of a Mortal Sin has no bearing on these new-age parents.” (So, dear parishioners, I hope you are paying attention and get your kids to our ‘Live Teens!” Mass every Sunday at St. Palter!)
I thanked Shill for his time and conversation. Since it is a little confusing in the maze of the DPM, I asked him if he could escort me out to the parking lot. “Sure,” Shill said, “I will take you out the back door entrance, but you will have to wear this blindfold so you don’t see the secret entrance.”
What a joy to start meeting the Diocesan staff! Next time, I will be reviewing the “Office of the Inquisition” which, a little bird told me, will be staffed by long-gone and now returning Diocesan Nun. How exciting!
My first interview was with Shill Fingercot, the director of the youth ministry office for the Diocese. As Fr. Ty likes to remind me, no lay person can really direct anything but in some cases, certain obedient lay persons are allowed to have an office downtown and get to have an important title as Bishop Foisted grants. Shill fits this description to a “t,” always ready to obey regardless of what needs to be done.
“Praise Jesus!” Shill called out as he met me in the decontamination room that serves as the foyer for the DPM. “I hope you don’t mind the detailed questionnaire you filled out, we have to be sure that you haven’t brought in any Protestants with you. It’s all security, as you know.”
I asked Shill if I had to do this each time I visited the DPM. “Yes,” Shill replied, “at least until you are ordained or you choose to donate a kidney or a jet to the Bishop.”
As we walked to his office, pausing to let the guard dogs sniff our pants, I noticed what appeared to be a small shrine oddly placed in the middle of the hallway. It had two indentations in the concrete and the small banner above the shrine read, “Our Mother Gives Us A Child.”
“Oh, what a wonderful devotion to Mary.” I said to Shill.
“Praise Jesus! No, it’s not for that. Those are the actual knee prints where, 18 years ago, Michelle-Joan Oeste dropped really hard to her knees and begged Mother Theresa to ‘give her a child.’ It was such a spontaneous ejaculation of faith that Bishop Chacha O’Bile immediately proclaimed those caved in-knee prints to be a sacred relic of a woman knowing her place- on her knees begging to be filled with fresh new Catholics. So, here the shrine sits, in the hall. And every time Michelle-Joan is here, she has her children kneel in the prints praying to MT (that’s what FD (Father Duey) used to call Mother Theresa) for even more brothers and sisters. When that doesn’t work, she just feeds the kids Christo Crackers from Duey’s new Praise and Worship Center. Apparently she can’t take them down there any more to see FD. I don’t understand it all. Praise Jesus! And since MJ started working for the grocery store and gave up her Diocesan Media Speaker job, she can’t come down here like she used to. I guess we’re only allowed to quit if Sr. Joan Staphs can send out letters about us first. I get confused.”
As Shill took a breath, I noticed that one of the doors in the hallway was made of gold. I inquired if that was Bishop Foisted’s office. Shill advised me that it was the Bishops bathroom. “Sr. Staphs is the only other person allowed to use it. besides the Bishop, that is. Praise Jesus!”
As we settled into Shill’s office, we began to talk. I learned that Shill considers himself a “charismatic” Catholic and that he has 10 children “...all of whom are going to go to a Franciscan College, I hope. They don’t allow hugging there. Praise Jesus!”
I asked Shill about what a director of youth ministry does for a living. “Well, Praise Jesus, I think you mean to say ‘does for a ministry’ since that is what I do. Ministry, that is. Well, Praise Jesus, it’s harder to do youth ministry in this Diocese since Bishop Foisted eliminated Confirmation for teenagers. Before, youth ministers only needed to open the doors and the teens’ parents would shuffle them in."
He continued, "Now, Praise Jesus, I spend most of my time training adults in youth ministry so that when the day comes back that we can have a new sacrament for teens, then we’ll be ready for more exciting mandatory programs where kids will learn to love the Mother Church. When I am not training, I help a lot of youth ministers find new games or car wash locations for the five or six kids in each parish that come to youth ministry events. I also work very closely with the Catholic high schools to be sure the kids there are mandated to come to Diocesan events. Sure builds up the attendance. And when I am not doing those things, I pretty much just do what the “Live Teens!’ main office in Mesa wants me to do. Praise Jesus!”
I mentioned to Mr. Fingercot that many times young people will use their Myspace accounts to write loving reflections of Diocesan youth events that they have had to attend. They often use the apparent acronym of S.U.C.K.S to indicate their joy at attending Diocesan events. I figured out that it meant, “Surely Underage Catholics Kare (and) Share.” I asked him if he had ever read any of these youthful “reviews”
“What’s Myspace?” he asked.
Moving on, I asked Shill to tell me his greatest joy in serving Bishop Foisted in his role as “director” of youth ministry.
“Obeying. Yes, Praise Jesus, obeying the rules of the Diocese, err, Bishop Foisted. What a great man, He has been so directive, so hands on that all I have to do is look the other way and watch what he does to people. Such wisdom. Since many youth ministry coordinators are lay people, I’ve learned how easy it is to let them go and watch them move on. What Foisted wants, Foisted gets, Praise Jesus. It really makes my life easy to just do what they ask of me. Who can not enjoy obeying? I am getting shivers right now.”
I said to Shill just how much I envy him, having the chance to live the value of Justice every single day like that. “No, Praise Jesus, you are getting confused, Webmaster. Justice is serving food at the homeless shelter. Here, I just do what I am told. I am not concerned about justice or any of that. If Bishop Foisted, or Sr. Staphs (and before Marienne Vineyrs or Sr. Dolor de Cabesa de Jesus) tells me to go, I go. If they tell me to look, I look. If they tell me to ignore, I ignore. Really, we as lay people don’t have the training and Grace of Ordination to make any decisions. Obedience is so much more important than...than...umm...what was your word?”
“Justice,” I answered.
“Oh, yeah. Justice. I don’t need that. Youth ministry coordinators, past and present, need to know how much joy I have obeying. Praise Jesus! I hope I am helping pass that on when I interact with others.”
Shill told me that his greatest challenge in working for the Diocese was parents. He said it seems that parents just don’t make kids go to church as they used to. “Clearly, the threat of a Mortal Sin has no bearing on these new-age parents.” (So, dear parishioners, I hope you are paying attention and get your kids to our ‘Live Teens!” Mass every Sunday at St. Palter!)
I thanked Shill for his time and conversation. Since it is a little confusing in the maze of the DPM, I asked him if he could escort me out to the parking lot. “Sure,” Shill said, “I will take you out the back door entrance, but you will have to wear this blindfold so you don’t see the secret entrance.”
What a joy to start meeting the Diocesan staff! Next time, I will be reviewing the “Office of the Inquisition” which, a little bird told me, will be staffed by long-gone and now returning Diocesan Nun. How exciting!
Our New Blog
The new blog for St. Palter Catholic Church Community in Scottsdale, AZ. The Joy of Obedience!
Friday, January 25, 2008
New Youth Group Fund Raiser
Our youth group, under the guidance of our Sacred Pastor, Father Ty Rolean, who has hired and allows Fret Purblind to be our youth ministry "coordinator," announces a brand new fund raiser in association with the new "Praise and Worship Center" founded by Duey Crohsczek. As you may know, Monsignor Duey, has many bills to pay and has founded the "Praise and Worship Center" in Mesa to help him gather his friends together for check writing parties. However, in his love for young teens everywhere, Duey is now offering our youth group a slice of the sales of his brand new "ChristoCrackers!" When you buy them from the new "Praise and Worship Center" in Mesa, just mention the name of St. Palter Catholic Church and we'll get a big hard slice of the profits.
We are very happy to join with the new "Praise and Worship Center" where Duey says, "If it's Catholic Enough for Me, It's Catholic Enough for You!" Visit the website at praiseandworshipcenter.net
What are ChristoCrackers? Duey describes them as. "As close to the Eucharist as you can get without having the Faculties!" Designed by the "Praise and Worship Center's co-founder, Mike DuPlecitay, each box of ChristoCrackers is made with love by the same nuns who make the bread for our Sacred Eucharist. It's worth the run over hill and Dale to get some!
And just like animal crackers, the ChristoCrackers come in a variety of fun shapes. There's the "Praying Hands of Duey" that look just like "MD"'s folded hands where you can see right through the nail marks! You can put other crackers in your mouth that are shaped like a confessional, a hot-tub, Duey's head (complete with the crown of thorns), Bishop Foisted holding up his tiny "obey" sign, those tiny anti-abortion baby feet, skateboard, swim trunks, crucifix, Duey's mom, JohnPaul II (we love you!) and an mp3 player. There is also the fun-shaped "crazy code" crackers that have the deposit account number where you can make donations to Duey's legal fund. (Mike says, "Every 10th donation gets you a FREE box of ChristoCrackers! Save those deposit receipts!")
Mr. DuPleciaty told us about the first production run of the ChristoCrackers. When opening that very first box of ChristoCrackers, Duey said, "I feel alive again. This is inspiring and beautiful. I thought there was a really good crunchiness among the crackers here today. But these are not snacks designed to pull you away from your regular snacks. But if you get some cravings for some elements of communion, why not try these? It's what I do!"
Duey wants us all to know, "I love you and I love the crackers you will buy. I thank you so much, and it won't be three more years until I see you again. I hope to see you every week. I'll be right there in your pantry. Just waiting for you in the ChristoCrackers. When you can't munch on JC, you can munch on me!!"
Help our youth group and get your "Praise and Worship Center's" ChristoCrackers today!
We are very happy to join with the new "Praise and Worship Center" where Duey says, "If it's Catholic Enough for Me, It's Catholic Enough for You!" Visit the website at praiseandworshipcenter.net
What are ChristoCrackers? Duey describes them as. "As close to the Eucharist as you can get without having the Faculties!" Designed by the "Praise and Worship Center's co-founder, Mike DuPlecitay, each box of ChristoCrackers is made with love by the same nuns who make the bread for our Sacred Eucharist. It's worth the run over hill and Dale to get some!
And just like animal crackers, the ChristoCrackers come in a variety of fun shapes. There's the "Praying Hands of Duey" that look just like "MD"'s folded hands where you can see right through the nail marks! You can put other crackers in your mouth that are shaped like a confessional, a hot-tub, Duey's head (complete with the crown of thorns), Bishop Foisted holding up his tiny "obey" sign, those tiny anti-abortion baby feet, skateboard, swim trunks, crucifix, Duey's mom, JohnPaul II (we love you!) and an mp3 player. There is also the fun-shaped "crazy code" crackers that have the deposit account number where you can make donations to Duey's legal fund. (Mike says, "Every 10th donation gets you a FREE box of ChristoCrackers! Save those deposit receipts!")
Mr. DuPleciaty told us about the first production run of the ChristoCrackers. When opening that very first box of ChristoCrackers, Duey said, "I feel alive again. This is inspiring and beautiful. I thought there was a really good crunchiness among the crackers here today. But these are not snacks designed to pull you away from your regular snacks. But if you get some cravings for some elements of communion, why not try these? It's what I do!"
Duey wants us all to know, "I love you and I love the crackers you will buy. I thank you so much, and it won't be three more years until I see you again. I hope to see you every week. I'll be right there in your pantry. Just waiting for you in the ChristoCrackers. When you can't munch on JC, you can munch on me!!"
Help our youth group and get your "Praise and Worship Center's" ChristoCrackers today!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
