Meet Ms. Tara Diddle, Pastoral "Associate"|

(I, your webmaster, have returned in humble Obedience and have interviewed another member of our staff.

As you know, with the Priest shortage these days (with many overseas and not returning or those who are ministering in the jails and legal system) we sometimes must settle on dedicated women who serve "in locus lacrimabilis" while we try to get more priests to provide real pastoral counsel. I know you will enjoy my interview with Tara as much as I did.)

An interview with Mrs. Tara Diddle

I, your intrepid webmaster, sought out yet again another of our devoted staff members here at St. Palter Catholic Church.

My interview with Tara was scheduled for 12 noon. But she asked me to be there at 11:30 a.m. so that she could spend some time looking over my questions before she actually had to answer them. Unlike many staff members, Tara seems to be very concerned with who says what and when they say it.

At precisely noon, Tara called me into her office saying, "I hope this doesn't take too long as you know that I have important things to do since I am the Pastoral Associate."

I inquired of her what exactly was a Pastoral Associate? Tara's eyes narrowed as she replied, "My job is just as important as any priest, any man, that might sit in this office. Why would you even question me?"

I asked Tara how she got the job as pastoral associate. She leaned back in her chair, nearly bumping the incense and the thirty candles off of her desk. "Well, I was previously at another parish and found that there I was oppressed by the other men on the staff and most of the nuns. When I saw that the position was open here, that is, the other nun was finally let go, err, I mean that she moved out of town for "health reasons," I thought to myself that this would be a great opportunity to expand my influence in the Catholic Church well at least in this diocese anyway. You know how difficult it is for a woman to be a Pastoral Associate with the way that the church views women. Well, actually the way men view women overall."

As she seemed to be on a roll, I thought it was best not to interrupt her as she pontificated on the role of women and men in the church.

"I was just finishing my masters degree, and by the way do you notice the sexism and the word' Masters?' Why couldn't it be ‘Mistress’ degree or perhaps “second-level higher education degree? I mean, really, it's just one more example of why men are the problem."

While she continued talking, she leaned closer to me, leaning over the gap in the floor, which she apparently uses to keep people from actually getting close to her. As she bent over, her eyes narrowed. I could tell I was about to get an education in some important part of the Roman Catholic Church.

"And, Mr. webmaster, I need to know: how come it's always a man as the webmaster? Could we have hired a woman to do your job just as well?"

She leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms and then looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

As she is the Pastoral Associate, I had to assume that this was some type of important Roman Catholic training that would soon teach me more of the dogma of the church.

"And," she continued in an authoritarian voice, "be sure not to mention my divorce in this interview. Sometimes people get the wrong idea. My husband, like most men, just was not worthy of my time anymore. As a matter of fact I find it to be true of most men. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate men. I just find that generally men have only one agenda, and that agenda is to subjugate women to their whims."

I asked her how she found it to be working with Father Ty Rolean, our wonderful Pastor. Shifting back and forth in her chair, which I'm sure was an opportunity for her to pray about her answer, she responded, "Oh yes. Father Ty. Well I'm sure he's a good man and it's encouraging for me to know that his golf scores have improved since I've been here. He gives me a lot of leeway to do whatever I need to do in the church, that is, to get things under control, as long as I don't do anything that's too religious."

I then asked her what her day consisted of. What types of activities did Tara spend her day doing?

"Well my day is filled with maintaining order on the staff. I find myself having to issue edicts oftentimes to some of the younger members of the staff. Thank God we only have a few men on the staff. It makes my job so much easier. As you know, the church has discovered that men are dangerous. And so it's my job to keep track of them. Sometimes I walk into their office and to simply tell them to 'be careful, you never know, just be careful.' I find it important to have people guessing about what their future is in the church it seems to make them more responsive to future orders, commands and instructions."

I told how inspired I was by her service to the staff and especially how well she served the men on the staff. I further explained it was just like having a Florence Nightingale on the staff.

"Well, I can't expect much more than that from you, can I?" she slowly replied.

I continued my interview. My next question was asked her about her home life and her children.

"Yes, I do have a son at home. He's kind of a rocker, if you know what I mean. I'm not able to bring him into the office as others don't understand his lifestyle. It does seem that Father Ty has taken an interest in him. All the more reason for me to leave him at home. But, my son is all boy at 16 years old, and I'm working on fixing that. I've tried to raise him in a gender free home, now that his dad moved out."

At that the interview was over. I thanked Tara for all her service to our Sacred Parish.

As I left the office, Tara ushered me out the door saying, "Be careful, webmaster. Be careful."

Annual Cultural Diversity Mass

7th Annual Cultural Diversity Mass

The Diocese is sponsoring our annual cultural diversity Mass next month. Mass will be at "Our Lady of the Bemired" Parish in central Phoenix. This is a wonderful opportunity for all northeast Scottsdale residents and their children to experience some cultural diversity. Perhaps if you attend you might even see your gardener at the Mass!

Please advise the office if you are going to attend so that we can help to arrange car pools. If you do drive, be sure to lock your car, take your purse with you into the church and do not leave valuables in view. What a fine chance for the Diocese of Phoenix to gather together to celebrate our diversity. Mass is followed by a fine Mexican dinner made by the abuelas (grandmothers) of OLB parish. Ole!

My Dear Little Sheeps: Sign Code

(This week, Fr. Ty allows Mr. Wangle to discuss the new parish signage code. Please READ MORE below.)

My Dear Little Sheeps,

This week, I am allowing our facilities manager, Charles Wangle, to discuss our new sign policy at St. Palter Roman Catholic Church. I am also taking this opportunity to advise you of Mr. Wangle’s new title of “facilities manager” instead of “janitor.” I understand from a class I took last week on human resources (my first one!) that titles are even important to lay people.

****
Mr. Wangle advises:

*Please note the use of the word “shall” in many parts of these rules. That way you can know it’s more official.

*You shall use the marquee we have paid for as this is where all parishioners go for information about your events. Most parish leaders end up asking me what the marquees are and where they are located. They are the flat, glass enclosed bulletin boards at the back entrance of the church. Usually the parish Secretary, Ms. Rotic, has the key if she has time to look for it.

*All signs must be approved by the pastor. The exception to this is the boy scout signage. Their signs may be placed anywhere at any time. Fr. Rolean advises that the scouts (boy scouts only) may use the windows of his office if they so desire.

*All signs must actually say something about a parish event or diocesan event or have a picture of the pope, the bishop, the pastor or if none of those pictures are available, a picture of Jesus Christ.

*Signs shall be neat and should use very little color. As you know, signs showing too much creativity or actually being of interest take away from the Holy Mass.

*When you put up a sign, you have to take it down, too. The staff of St. Palter will not be like the maid at your home.

*When you take down your sign, you shall take down the tape that held it there. You shall take the gooey tape leftover off the walls, too.

*Only use masking tape. If you can’t get masking tape, then I shall supply it for you, Although I can’t figure out why you can’t buy your own.

*The words or photos in your signs must be in line with Rome and the teachings of our One True Catholic Faith. For example, signs promoting any type of ecumenical events would not be allowed.

*The pastor can remove any sign he does not like at any time.

****

I’m Father Ty Rolean and I approved this message.

Leading you Onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor, St. Palter Parish
Phoenix Catholic Church in Scottsdale

My Dear Little Sheeps: We've Got Email

My dear little sheeps,

Father’s Emailbag can be very full. What a gift it is to be able to communicate with you at the speed of grace! You’ll not that I have used “grace” instead of “light” as a protestant “pastor” might have done.

As I search through the Email, I have to delete the pornographic communications, which takes several minutes per item as I pray for the poor souls shown in these Emails.. I have a hard time even mentioning the porn mail and write this only so that you know how much time I have to spend answering the precious communique’s from parishioners. However, I must remain firm in my commitment to my parishioners, to you my sacred sheeps!

Recently in one such Email, Mrs. Ezerka wrote us and asked:

“Subject: Future Parishioner Moving to Anthem!
Dear Father,
We have bought at house at Anthem and will probably move there around the end of July or early August from Las Vegas. Some of the churches I see listed in the telephone book or newspaper don't sound as though they are authentic Roman Catholic Churches. Can one of your volunteers let me know which Catholic Church in Phoenix is closest to Anthem? I would sincerely appreciate your help.
Thank you.
Pauline Ezerka”

Dear Mrs. Ezkerka,

Father appreciates the time you have taken to search out an AUTHENTIC Catholic church, one like St. Palter. What a kind and thoughtful note you have sent, one that I am sure makes the Lord Jesus Christ proud of you. It’s so easy in this day and age of choice and so-called “independent” thought to not go to a Genuine Catholic Church and thereby endanger your very soul.

I assure you, Mrs. Ezkerka, that the only teachings you will find here at St. Palter Catholic Church are authentic teachings of the Church, teachings which have been passed down, unchanging, from the very lips of Jesus to the Apostles to the Popes to the Bishops to the Priests. We, the Priests, then give it to you, as much as we can. Oh, were it that you could spend all your days taking it from us! Such a delight of truth you would have. But, we know you must tend to your children and raise them to be strong Catholics, preparing them for the life of the Priesthood or to a lesser degree the life of the Sisterhood. Hardly anyone would want their children to be the lesser religious life of the “brother.”

Bless you, Mrs. Ezkerka, for your attempt to find authentic Catholic teaching in the Valley of the Sun. I welcome you with open arms to our Sacred Parish! Please introduce yourself to me at the Holy Mass this weekend.

Leading you Onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor

New LiveTeens! Program Directives

(We publish a Press Release that speaks of the new opportunities for our teens to obey the church during our LiveTeens Mass.)


Press Release. For Immediate Release.

Arizona- In “joyful obedience” to the Church, the “LiveTeens” officials say they now must cease the gathering of teenagers around the altar during Mass. Teens, normally pressed up against one another and the presider, must now remain in the pews. After nearly twenty years of teens around the Priests, the practice must cease in order to be in compliance with liturgical and civil law.

The LiveTeens program will also refrain from using the catchy phrase, “The Mass never ends, and you gotta come back!” at the conclusion of the liturgy.
In a recent letter to U.S. bishops, priests and diocesan youth offices, LiveTeens! office staff have asked member parishes to joyfully comply with the directives in an “obeying spirit.”

“We now know that the sanctuary space around the altar is to remain separated from the parishioners or at least now we are supposed to enforce that. We’ve come to understand that the sanctuary space should not be tainted by lay people.” said Kippy Bannister president of LiveTeens International.

“It’s all about the obeying. Mother Church in her Wisdom wants order and uniformity for all her little children. This is part of the new written directives from Rome, ‘On Precluding Maculate Supplication,’ or shortened, the ‘PMS document,’ he said.

A video was sent to all Roman Catholic parishes by the U.S. Committee on Liturgy, “We have just learned that LiveTeens is like a precious gem in the Church’s familial crown. But the family jewels sometimes need to be sacked and sucked up while their owners are told, ‘Don’t touch your jewels until we look more closely at them,’” one priest said on the video.

In the video, the Committee members stated that although LiveTeens jewels are precious, especially those of the young participants, it was more important that the parishes have the PMS in place at all liturgies. The bigger jewels of conformity have now been restored.

Charles Biddable, 19, a seasoned, veteran core member for the last six months at the LiveTeens master church of St. Thames Parish in Mesa, said not gathering the kids around the altar was at first confusing. “Monsignor DC always insisted we make the teens, oops, invite the teens to come around the altar. I mean, he’d just go off the hizzy if there were any of the kids still out in the pews. I am sure he wanted them close to the Sacred Presence out of his love for teenagers.”

Prior to the implementation of the changes at St. Thames, he said core members were “always having to be sure the teens behaved and didn’t talk” during the Eucharistic Prayer. “But it wasn’t all of them, maybe only like 200 or so that had a problem. But up to this time we weren’t allowed to say we ever had a problem ‘cuz then other parishes might not purchase the LT programs.”

“But change is always good,” he added. “So we are just welcoming it.”

Cria Soat, a LiveTeens core member at St. Palter Parish in Arizona, said she heard no complaints from teens when the Scottsdale parish implemented the changes.

“Whatever. The teens have responded for the whole obeying thing,” Soat said. “The change doesn’t affect them really. Some kids liked it because they could text message more freely in the pews during Mass. But for those type of kids we aren’t letting them get Confirmed anyway so it doesn’t matter.”

The LiveTeens board of directors looks forward to more opportunities to obey the Mother Church’s commands.

FAQ: Should I question my Faith in any manner?|

(Webmaster note: Fr. Rolean answers the question regarding dissent in the Church.)

Recently, our Holy Bishop Thomas, spoke to those lay people who would make up the school boards that direct our Parish Schools. Attempting to teach and direct these lay people, he spoke about the dangers of thinking for oneself, which as you know, my little sheeps, is not something you are qualified to do in matters of faith, religion and family reproduction.

From His lips came these words, “(Textbooks that are Catholic only) matters because we live in an era in the Church, and also in our American culture, where dissent to Church teaching receives lots of publicity and might even be considered ‘keen’ as the teens say today. Books are even written that hail dissent as a great service to the Church. But dissent runs directly contrary to the inner dynamic nature of faith. “

So, as you can tell from the Bishop, asking questions of your faith is a grave error and in Holy obedience, I insist that you never question your Holy Faith. Everything that you would need to know of course comes from your humble Pastor, who gets it directly from Bishop Foisted, who has been getting his from Rome and that, as you know, come directly from the lips of the Apostles, who heard their commands from Our Precious Lord himself.

My Dear Little Sheeps: Abuse and Confession

(Webmaster note: Fr. Rolean addresses the issue of abuse in the church where no volunteer, who by their nature are suspect, should be alone with a child. He also addresses the much more important subject of Lenten Confession, where our youngest sinners are being introduced to the Confessional and telling their intimate sorrows to a celibate priest. You are to read this update today.)

My dear little sheeps,

Two subjects for you this Lenten week:

As you know the Diocese has released their new and improved update for the Policy on Sexual Abuse. As you know, we are now against sexual abuse. I am now ordering you, as your Pastor, and as someone under the influence of the attorney general to immediately attend a training session within the parish. You will learn there, for example, that sex with children is bad. You will also learn that we have determined there is something called “grooming” and we will no longer let you do that. Other insights that our program will share with you is that as parents, it is bad for you to gossip about other children who are not as good as your children.

Please speak to Gerino to arrange your training session, which will be conducted at convenient times for our staff to lead these. Rest assured, your Holy Priests will be getting their’s at separate time. We of course have different requirements than the laity for how we treat the young innocent ones in our care.

Some highlights of the program:

1. Under no circumstances should a minor be alone with an adult.

2. There should be no extreme self disclosure by any leaders or volunteers. We don’t want the children to know any of you or to be attracted to your personality. We want them to be attracted and part of the group only.

3. There should not be any contact with young people outside of the classes in our parish.

4. An adult should not touch a young person, especially if they are alone with them.

On a different note and subject, many of our children have been prepared for their First Confession and will be celebrating this week. Just to remind our children how the Sacrament works.

Some highlights of Confession:

1. You will enter the confessional, a small room, and you will close the door for privacy so that you can be alone with one of God’s Holy Priests, who has been given the gift of celibacy.

2. You will then fully disclose your personal fears, faults, and sins. Don’t be embarrassed to tell the Priest anything, especially you teens. Rest assured , Father has heard it all before and is happy to hear it all from you again as many times as needed. Don’t hide any sins as God knows if you are not making a “complete confession.”

3. Of course, if you can not make it to one of our regular Confession schedules, I would be happy to have a special one on one session for you, personally scheduled as needed. I am required to do this by Church Law. You are also encouraged to choose one priest as your regular Confessor so that he may develop a personal relationship with you.

4. When you are done telling the Priest all your personal sins, He will put his hands on your head or shoulders for a while as He prays that God will forgive you.

At any rate, my dear sheeps, I hope this week you will heed my words about Abuse and Confession.

Leading you onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor
...For The Love of Being a Phoenix Catholic in Scottsdale.